Estrangement 101
The difficult decisions to sever (or significantly alter) contact in relationships - and the stigma and judgment from those that may not understand estrangement
Estrangement 101: Understanding, Boundaries, and Re-engagement
**This post comes with both the personal experience as well as the unintended biases that come with having experienced estrangement myself.**
If you’re not familiar with estrangement, it’s not a simple construct. Estrangement is complex. It often accompanies both a set of deeply personal reasons AND the painful deliberate decision to distance oneself from a family member, friend, or loved one. Some of the personal reasons can include unresolved conflicts, abuse, or differing values. While estrangement can help with resetting healthy boundaries and protecting one’s mental and emotional well-being, it also can open up a new set of challenges such as depression, trust issues, or loneliness to name a few. As this blog post from Psychology Today states, estrangement can be both ‘freeing and devastating’.
estrangement can be both ‘freeing and devastating’
What is Estrangement?
Estrangement is the intentional act when individuals sever (or significantly reduce) contact with someone important in their lives. Most commonly this happens with family relations - between parents and children, between siblings — but it also can occur between good friends or other close relationships.
This act is rooted in either a reason or several reasons which can be varied and deeply personal, including:
Abuse or Toxic Behavior
Unresolved Conflicts
Differing Values or Lifestyles
Mental Health Issues
All of these strain relationships - and estrangement can happen when someone reaches their breaking point.
Estrangement is One Path to Healthy Boundaries
One of the primary reasons for estrangement is to establish a boundaries to protect one’s mental and emotional health. Estrangement can help a person set clear boundary criteria - what defines acceptable and unacceptable behavior in their relationships. Alternatively, when a person consistently has their boundaries violated, it can lead to feelings of resentment, anger, and emotional exhaustion.
It’s one path - estrangement can be a way to enforce these boundaries when other methods have failed. Many who distancing themselves from toxic or harmful relationships first attempt other reconciliation acts - yet ultimately find that to set a healthy boundary they need to create space for healing and self-care.
Identifying Safe Re-engagement
Estrangement doesn’t have to be permanent.
There may come a time when it feels safe and appropriate to re-engage with the estranged person. (I personally never got to the point where I felt psychologically safe enough to re-engage with my person - who passed away in 2022).
There are a set of criteria that people who have chosen estrangement may use as litmus tests of safety that they consider re-engagement - such as:
Mutual Willingness to Change - Both parties must be willing to acknowledge past issues, work towards positive change, and take responsibility for one’s actions - with social proof — are they making a genuine effort to improve the relationship?
Consistent Positive Behavior - As with many ‘sparkle and fade’ events, re-engagement can fail - so it’s important to drop the rose colored glasses and expect consistent positive behavior over time.
Therapeutic Support - Prior to re-engagement, one can seek the help of a therapist or counselor to unpack the complexities of re-engagement in a safe space.
Clear Boundaries - Re-engagement should come with clear boundaries and expectations. Both parties need to agree on what acceptable behavior looks and feels like - and how conflicts will be resolved in the future.
The Role of a Toward Wellth
Toward Wellth is being designed as a space that promotes social interaction, relaxation, and overall well-being. It encourages individuals to connect with others, engage in activities that promote mental and physical health, and build a supportive community. However, it’s important to recognize that not all relationships are beneficial for one’s well-being - and to have a support network or individual therapist to help persons manage through difficult relationship situations.
Toward Wellth’s goal is to foster positive social connections and create an environment where individuals feel safe and supported. This is where there’s a crossover with psychological safety - and building the appropriate boundaries. It’s very possible that you will create deep, meaningful relationships with others who participate in the Toward Wellth community. There could come situations where the psychological safety of you or others may be stressed, such as:
Toxic Interactions: If interactions with certain individuals consistently cause others to feel drained, anxious, or upset, it may be best to limit or avoid contact with them. Toward Wellth will focus on trying to provide the resources for these individuals to modify their engagement style.
Lack of Respect: All relationships are built on mutual respect. If someone consistently disrespects the boundaries of individuals or the facility, it may be necessary to put distance between individuals or suspend/ban an individual from the space.
Emotional Manipulation: When people are vulnerable, especially in sharing in groups, it opens up the unfortunate possibility that someone uses emotional manipulation or guilt to control or influence others — this is a huge violation of Toward Wellth’s mission to provide a psychologically safe space.
… and so we wrap this 101 with the following …
Estrangement is a deeply personal event - often challenging as a decision and over time. We did not discuss the stigma associated with estrangement in this post, but it exists. When you tell someone “I haven’t spoken with ____ in 5, 10, 15, 20 years” it elicits looks of judgment. Balancing this with the crucial need to enforce healthy boundaries to protecting one’s well-being, you can see this is a tragic* situation.
Tragedy arises when a hero courageously asserts a substantial and just position, but in doing so simultaneously violates a contrary and likewise just position and so falls prey to a one-sidedness that is defined at one and the same time by greatness and by guilt.
-Georg Wilhelm Fredrik Hegel (Hegelian Tragedy Definition)
While re-engagement may be possible in some cases, it requires mutual willingness to change, consistent positive behavior, and clear boundaries. In the context of Toward Wellth, the focus is on fostering positive social connections while recognizing the importance of identifying unhealthy relationships and actions that threaten the safe space. Ultimately, the goal is to create a supportive environment where individuals can thrive and prioritize their mental and emotional health.