Stoic Views on Socialization
The Philosophy of Happiness
Socialization and wellness are interconnected.
Think about your best friend’s laughter. This type of recalled memory is but one example of the ways that socialization nourishes your wellness by enhancing your emotional wellbeing. Social connections boost our mood, reduce stress, and even improve physical health.
Today we’re going to explore Stoic concepts as a month ago I was meeting with a dear friend and sharing updates with them - and they said “this is all very Stoic”. Naturally I’ve thought about their comment and figured I’d be in a good position to post about Stoicism at some point - and that point is today.
What’s Stoicism?
To not go too deep, but deep enough - Stoicism dates back to Greek and Roman schools of philosophy. The core belief is that practicing virtue leads to a well lived life. Being virtuous means you apply four concepts to your existence - wisdom, courage, temperance (moderation), and justice. There’s a component in Stoicism that teaches acceptance of what the universe delivers - although the framing is more that you should live in accordance with nature. Just like a tree grows toward the sun, we should align our actions with what is natural and right - in harmony with nature. Lastly the to know which sun you should seek to grow toward, Stoicism says to seek emotional resilience through virtue. External stuff (like health or wealth) isn’t good or bad - it’s simply that virtue should be a consistent focus. Virtue is material to Stoics.
Core Stoic Concepts for Socializing
It wouldn’t be a Toward Wellth post without a tie in to how this relates to improving socialization and giving examples. So here are three ways Stoic concepts relate to being more social.
Living in Accordance with Nature - When we act in harmony with what the universe gives us, with how people naturally behave, we have relationships with less tension.
Example - You notice a friend is upset. Instead of ignoring them, you decide to listen (either actively or passively depending on the situation). This is living in accordance with nature - being there when a friend needs support.
Virtues are Socializing Superpowers - The four elements of virtue each play a role in helping us be better friends, siblings, children, co-workers, classmates, etc. Here’s how each of the four play a role:
Temperance (Moderation) - Being present and aware of how you’re maintaining balance without going overboard.
Imagine you’re sharing a pizza. Being mindful to take your fair portion is how you can call upon temperance. This shows you as the thoughtful and fair person that you are.
Courage (Bravery) - Finding the ability to stand up for your friend - either directly with a live situation such as if they’re being teased or unfairly treated by others — or through an observed situation where your friend may not have the same lens as you. Speaking up takes courage and when you do, it helps to deepen your relationships.
Justice (Fairness) - Justice within virtue isn’t just about following rules or having the “right” outcome, it’s a bit heavier onto the empathy side of presence. When we treat others fairly, harmony increases. Keeping justice in mind has us better positioned to see the bigger picture.
Wisdom (Smart Choices) - Also thinking of this in the social construct as ‘practical wisdom’ or what is often referred to as ‘common sense’ (which sadly isn’t common).
Sometimes the information that people provide to you was shared in confidence. Your ability to decide to not gossip and keep a secret is an example of practical wisdom - and aligns with virtues in Stoicism.
The Dichotomy of Control - There are things we control and things we don’t control. Put focus and time into the things you can control and build tolerance/acceptance for the things you cannot control.
You can’t control what happened to friends or control how they act.
You can be present and give them the gift of your attention.
You can accept that some friends have a limited capacity to give to their relationships - just because you have additional capacity shouldn’t be a reason you think they should reciprocate to match your intensity.
Vice-Versa - you can’t control when your friends expect more of you than you are capable of delivering. Be kind to yourself.
Similarly in your own life, you can be better equipped to be aware of how this dichotomy plays out — there are things you can control and things you think you can control but ultimately you cannot.
Practical Steps for Stoic Social Wellness
Tying all this together into actionable examples (beyond the ones already given)…
A core tenet of Stoicism is Negative Visualization for Gratitude. This means that you should look through the gratitude lens. Instead of feeling entitled to more than you’ve received, be appreciative of what you have. There are a few examples you can do to improve interpersonal relationships:
Write a Gratitude Letter. Write a heartfelt note to a friend or family member. Explain to them the ways you appreciate their presence in your life. Imagine their receptivity to reading it!
Alternative thing I try to do whenever I think of it - when I think about someone I haven’t seen in a while - or when I have other nostalgia that makes me think about them - I send them a quick text to say I’m thinking about them - or that something reminded me of them.
Thank-You Walk. Take a walk and notice things you’re thankful for - like a friendly neighbor, the sun, the birds, other wildlife. Imagine the world without these (negative visualization) to have more appreciation for them (gratitude)
Mindful Listening. This means being as fully present as you are capable when someone talks. “Turn up your understanding knob”.
Eye contact: Look someone in the eyes. The eyes tell additional accents to the story and give you clues or puzzle pieces to better understand the other person’s experience.
Nod and smile: This is a form of ‘cheerleading’… you’re giving them positive feedback that they should continue to share with you.
Ask questions: Instead of saying “cool” or “ok, wow”… ask questions like “How did that feel?”. Often times a friend is looking for permission to tell the whole story. Be kind and give them that permission and your attention when they share.
Random Acts of Kindness. This means you’re sprinkling kindness randomly by doing small, but appreciated things for others. I think a bit of this blog as part of the way I share random acts of kindness (because you all never know what’s going to pop into your mailbox - RANDOM - and the message is always intended to help)
Give compliments. If you see something, say something. You like their shirt? say something.
Hold the Door. Acknowledge others existence by paying attention and giving them a random act of kindness by holding the door. Almost always they will thank you. If they don’t, it’s not something you should be upset about - they simply lacked the capacity in that moment to express their appreciation.
Share a smile. If you’re passing someone randomly and they make eye contact with you, give them a smile (and maybe a friendly hello). Acknowledging their presence like holding a door spreads kindness.
Thanks for your continued reading, I hope that you continue to find small ways to incorporate some of these thoughts into your path to happiness. This week I’m excited to attend the Harvard Kennedy School Happiness and Leadership Symposium on Thursday and Friday (remotely, from my back porch!). The symposium shares information on how to develop a happiness curriculum - and I am so excited to take what I learn and apply it to enhancing the TowardWellth curriculum!
May just be my favorite one yet & made me think.