Your Inner Critic as an Ally?
become an alchemist who spins negative thoughts into gold
The Inner Critic — the negative voice that plants doubt — the voice that can contribute to negative or isolating behaviors.
Today we’ll explore a few tactics to make friends with that Inner Critic… or at minimum becoming ‘frenemies’ with it.
The Inner Critic is the “voice” (or set of neurological programming) in our brains that critically judges us for something we've done (or didn’t do), thought, or felt.
There are a variety of ways to stop your Inner Critic from harming your present moment, and all of them begin with … being present. Being aware of, and naming, the negative thoughts helps you to reframe them.
Be aware of your Inner Critic. One way that you can think of the inner critic is ‘being against yourself’. Whenever you find yourself using language in your thoughts that “I’m not ____ (characteristic you value) ” or “I am ____ (characteristic you dislike)” - that’s your Inner Critic.
Be “For Yourself”. When you identify your Inner Critic bringing up negative thoughts, use your brain to provide Inner Compassion. Redirect your thoughts to be for you. Give yourself kindness. You have characteristics beyond what your Inner Critic allows you to appreciate.
Consider writing down your negative thoughts and looking at them as if someone else said them to you. What positive thoughts do you have where the negative thoughts do not apply? What might be the root of this self-critical thought? How might you dis-identify from this negative self-belief?
Think of, or write down, your redirected positive actions, feelings, or thoughts that dis-identify from your negative Inner Critic’s voice. A couple examples.
“I’m not at my goal weight, but I have three consecutive days of not eating after 7pm, I’ve been active to my 10,000 step per day goal for 5 of the last 7 days, and I have been keeping a good sleep schedule for the last week.” — grammatically the word “but” to me always negates everything that came before the word, so the only things that matter are the things that come after “but”.
“I am a flaky friend who doesn’t show up to events, although I have anxiety which I am working through with different approaches… and in the last year I showed up more often than I flaked. As I continue to work on my anxiety, I am becoming the friend that I want to be.” - here I use the language “although” so that it doesn’t fully excuse the unwanted behavior, yet my explanation provides more information and compassion for the situation.
An alternative to “Be Yourself” is reframing your thoughts. Instead of saying things like “I always mess up”, reframe it as “Some tasks I do better than others, and it’s unreasonable to be able to do everything. I will give the tasks I choose to take on my best effort.”
Give your Inner Critic a separate identity. Consider giving your Inner Critic a name, so that you can logically think of it separate from yourself. Talk to your Inner Critic as if it’s a different person. Separate your Inner Critic voice from your Inner Compassion voice. Inner Compassion is way cooler than <insert name here>.
Stop comparing yourself to others - or to the unreasonable expectations that may have been set for you by others. Comparing yourself to others devalues your strengths, efforts, and accomplishments. Instead consider thinking about recent wins or positive self-talk you’ve had (perhaps by reviewing your Gratitude Journal?).
Examine your Inner Critic’s thought. Give it the space to live, acknowledge it, and question it from all angles. What are statements about your abilities, thoughts, actions, or feelings that prove it wrong - where you existed in your ideal self? What are your prior thoughts, actions, or feelings that confirm the Inner Critic’s voice? - and what steps have you taken to improve from that prior experience?
Celebrate your wins. Part of the strength of the Inner Critic is driven by devaluing your wins. Give yourself a pat on the back. Give yourself a reward when you have an achievement or even a period of time when you were in flow or in the zone. Items on this list should go into your Gratitude Journal - or if you want to keep a running list of accomplishments, that is a path.
For work, I keep a list of “accomplishments” that are mid-major to major… so that at the end of each year it’s very easy for me to write my self evaluation. “In January, the focus was X and my results were Y, which was 5% over target.” — “In February, I focused on developing my skills in ____ by engaging in _____ and achieving ___ which led to _____”
These are a few strategies to address and redirect your Inner Critic. The keys are bringing your awareness to when it shows up, being present with it as a thought, disconnecting it from your real-self identity, and engaging in a strategy to process forward more positively. You’re effectively turning something murky into a much more positive end result — you’re a mental alchemist.
My Inner Critic comes out for Toward Wellth when I start to think that I haven’t started a business by myself before, and then I quiet it by thoughts such as:
I was part of a core set of individuals that were part of a successful start up, that became profitable within 5 years. Most businesses fail in the first few years. I contributed to that success and I have even more wisdom to employ than I did 15 years ago.
So…I am not doing this by myself. There are already partners who have self-identified themselves or they have been receptive to my reach out to them to become involved. When brick-and-mortar Toward Wellth opens, the strengths of each employee will be leveraged to provide them with purposeful work that brings them happiness.
I have a set of skills that I can put to use and I should rely on the skills which are my strengths - and seek support from others where my skills are lacking.
I am “living the brand” by promoting the concept by bringing wider awareness to the unmet needs of current social environments and untapped opportunity to improve the togetherness of a community, in an inclusive way.
I am putting out a consistent set of content on a blog, and I’ve never done this before — yet positive comments from readers are appreciated… especially the ones that I receive when I’m in person!
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This post plus the work by Tara Mohr = a GOLDMINE. You're amazing, Ed.