Hi all, thanks as always for reading. A few quick housekeeping items to start!
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I’ve settled in that the new cadence for the rest of the summer is a target of one post on Wednesday morning (like this post) and one post on Saturday evening. This splits up the week evenly as well as are thoughtfully selected - Wednesdays most people are ‘almost half way through the week’ and might benefit from something additional to ponder & Saturday nights are a peak socialization option for most, so many of the Saturday topics will be seeking to advance your agency around socialization.
So, into today’s topic… Invalidation.
What is Invalidation?
Basically it’s when you make yourself vulnerable by sharing something but ultimately end up not feeling heard, not feeling seen…
…more formally it’s …
The act of dismissing, rejecting, or diminishing someone’s thoughts, feelings, or experiences — whether intentional or unintentional — which often leaves the recipient feeling unheard, misunderstood, or insignificant.
Primary examples of invalidation include statements like “You’re overreacting.”, “It’s not that big of a deal.”, “You shouldn’t feel that way.”…
These are the events that fuel your inner critic. These are the events that trigger your lizard brain into a fight or flight mode.
The spark for this post is the following…
A few weeks back I dedicated a decent bit of my own time toward what I thought was a worthwhile endeavor (reading a draft manuscript for another writer who actively sought input as she is working to publish a book). They had sent out a copy of the draft to a small group of people for feedback - and had actively solicited feedback on their work. I spent approximately 45 minutes reading the first section of their work and another 30 minutes writing up my observations on that first section. I was very thoughtful in providing caring comments and even specific examples where they might consider adjusting their message. Their response to me? [the ideas you gave are not my focus or intent] Women—especially women of a certain age find it relatable.” I re-read my comments, none of which were about the relatability of the content. I ultimately felt invalidated in my comments and that my time wasn’t respected..
The reality is that you’ll face these situations from time to time, and to skill up today we’re going to talk about how you can build resilience against invalidation, increase your own awareness to avoid invalidating others, and teaching it forward.
Building Resilience Against Invalidation
You can see how without coping skills a faceoff with a situation that invalidates you could leave you feeling “less-than”. So here are a few considerations
Develop Self-Validation Skills — Practice being able to acknowledge / accept your own emotions without judgment. Your feelings are valid, regardless of others' opinions.
Enhance Mindfulness and Self-Awareness — Regularly check in with yourself to understand your emotions and needs. Being more self-aware can keep you grounded when facing invalidation.
Nurture Your Support Network — Surround yourself with people who validate and support you. Having a strong support network (a “safe space”) to express yourself helps to buffer against the effects of invalidation elsewhere.
Set Clear Boundaries — Learn to communicate clearly and assertively. It's okay to tell someone when their words or actions are hurtful. There are also situations where the right response is to walk away and seek self care (this is what I did in my situation above - I quietly quit reviewing more of the manuscript and focused on my own priorities - if they were to actively ask for additional feedback I may share more, yet at this point I do not believe it accomplishes anything - they’re an acquaintance, not a long term friend.)
Engage in Self-Care — Prioritize activities that nurture your emotional well-being. Exercise, meditation, creative activities, spending time in nature, etc.
Challenge Negative Self-Talk — When you encounter invalidation, avoid internalizing it. Positive self-affirmations are the perfect cure for negative thoughts.
Increasing Awareness to Avoid Invalidating Others
As much as invalidation can be a negative experience for you, it is also a negative experience for others - with varying levels of tolerance for personal boundaries this is even more important to consider some of the following:
Active Listening — With holding empathy in your heart, seek to understand the speaker's perspective without immediately jumping to solutions or judgments. Often times people ‘just want to be heard’.
Ask Clarifying Questions — When actively listening, instead of making assumptions on critical parts of the story that are not clear, ask open-ended questions to better understand.
Avoid Minimizing Others' Experiences — Resist the common urge to compare someone's struggles to your own or others'. They shared from a place of trust and when compared to others, it devalues the uniqueness of their story.
Recognize Personal Biases — Be aware of your own assumptions and preconceptions that might lead you to dismiss others' experiences. We are built to think fast and our brains are hardwired toward previous adopted ‘truths’ which may be fallacies. Keep an open mind if you find yourself wanting to say something dismissive, contemplate more on what might be driving your own feeling.
Change Perspectives — Put yourself in the other person's shoes before engaging with any criticism or feedback. This mindset adjustment can help you respond with greater empathy and understanding.
Be Mindful of Language and Tone — Be aware how you phrase things and the tone you use. Sometimes, it's not what you say, but how you say it that can be invalidating. If you’re terse and short you send a very clear message, regardless of the words you use.
Teaching Invalidation Concepts
Now that you’ve thought about building up resilience for scenarios in which you are invalidated and bringing more awareness to avoiding invalidating others, it’s possible to bring more awareness to others to avoid this negative expression.
You can bring awareness to invalidation by sharing relatable examples in conversations with friends or shared-interest peers. People relate to stories, so it can be a good topic to discuss social media interactions or peer pressure situations where you witnessed invalidation. That can open the door for others to share either their personal experiences with invalidation or how they’ve observed invalidation with others.
Teaching active listening skills is another way to support conversations that validate instead of invalidate. Teaching others about the entire section of “increasing awareness” above is the ultimate goal, so that others may also become aware of the choice they have to ‘choose validation’.
Additional Key Points on Invalidation
A few other notes didn’t fit too tidily into the three key categories above, so they’re being adding on this addendum.
Cultural Considerations — Invalidation can manifest differently cross-cultures. Cultural norms and differences in emotional expression in some cultures bring a different complexity to practicing this skill.
Invalidation in Mental Health — Invalidation can be particularly harmful to individuals struggling with mental health issues. Seek to validate emotions even if you don't fully understand or agree with them.
Validation vs. Agreement — Understand that validating someone's feelings doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with their perspective or actions. Validation is acknowledging their experience while resisting the urge to contrast or minimize it.
Until next time, thanks for reading. As I started the post, I’ll end the post - if you found this useful, forward it to a friend who may benefit from it. If you find this forum to be useful, please click this link and share the blog with others!