Memorial Day and Motivation
how your friends can provide perspective to motivate you to chase your purpose
Happy Memorial Day, readers!
I hope you all pause and take a moment to acknowledge the sacrifices that service members have made so that we can have our constitutional freedoms.
Each year when Memorial Day happens, there is one veteran for me who I always think of first and think of fondly — Sgt. Kurt Schamberg, who was one of my best childhood friends. He was killed in action in Operation Iraqi Freedom on May 20, 2005.
His loss had a profound impact on my life and in 2012, I wrote an essay about him and his impact on me for a Memorial Day newspaper feature where his mom lived in Casper WY - you can find that essay here.
The core of the essay is that while some motivation comes from within, other motivation or amplification of motivation can be provided by others. For me, his encouragement to chase my dreams and the memories of his belief in me have provided an extra hand in my motivation.
What’s actionable today? When you share your hopes and dreams with your friends, they often provide perspective to help silence the Inner Critic or offer suggestions on how you can use your skills to tackle the problems you share. With that additional support, you’re better positioned to take on the problem. There are a few background concepts to keep in mind before bringing up problems with friends/family.
Identify the Problem Clearly: Before you approach your friends for help, make sure you have a clear understanding of the problem. This includes understanding the root cause, the impact it has on you, and potential solutions you’ve already considered.
Consider Who to Ask: Not all friends will be able to help with all problems. Think about who among your friends has the skills, knowledge, or resources that could be helpful. Also consider their capacity to help at this time.
Self-Reflection: Spend some time in self-reflection to identify any blind spots you might have about the problem. This could involve journaling about the problem, meditating on it, or even discussing it with a therapist or counselor.
Prepare Your Request: When you’re ready to ask for help, be clear and specific about what you’re asking for. Let them know why you thought to ask them, what you hope they can provide, and reassure them that it’s okay if they can’t help.
Be Open and Receptive: When you ask for help, be open to the feedback and assistance you receive. Even if it’s not exactly what you were hoping for, there may be value in it.
And remember, it’s okay to ask for help, it doesn’t make you any less capable or independent. In my opinion, it makes you more capable!
Level Up Your Value as a Friend
While it’s helpful to gather insight to help you solve a problem, it can be equally rewarding to put your experience, skills, and insight to work to help your friends tackle life challenges. To do this, you should consider the following framework to guide how you think about these engagements - :
Active Listening: The first step to uncovering potential topics where you might be of help is to listen actively. Show genuine interest in their lives, ask open-ended questions, and give them space to share.
Empathy and Understanding: Show empathy and understanding. Validate their feelings and experiences. This can help them feel safe and comfortable discussing sensitive issues. Be mindful to not use invalidating language - as when someone is vulnerable and met with invalidation, it can have the opposite effect of being traumatic versus helpful. (read more on invalidation in the context of persons with PTSD)
Offer Help Subtly: If you notice a problem where you can help, offer your assistance subtly. You might say something like, “I’ve had some experience with that, would you like to hear what worked for me?” - seek permission to discuss a topic in more depth.
Respect Their Autonomy: Remember, they may not be ready to tackle the problem or they might want to handle it in their own way. Respect their decisions and consider that you can offer future support should they want to discuss the topic at a future date.
Maintain Confidentiality: Assure them that their problems will remain confidential and keep details of the discussion private. This can build trust and make them more comfortable sharing with you.
If you adopt these strategies with high integrity, you will be seen as a trusted and thoughtful friend.